Hey freshmen, welcome to the first Berry Patch of your college career. We’re here to sum up everything you might need to know about anything, then force feed it to you with side dishes of mediocre humor and over-done cliches.

It’s not easy being Greek these days. If your Rush Week dress code isn’t being leaked to a has-been Ivy League rumor blog, then your alleged hazing practices are being leaked to a has-been Ivy League rumor blog! 

That pungent old man smell wafting across campus can only mean one thing — the Board of Trustees is in town. And if the volume of Frank Sinatra tunes blaring from the Statler Hotel is any indication, they’re here to party like it’s 2007. Financial crisis? What is this, 2009? That old drag is long gone — it’s a new decade, a new economic climate.

Over the last month and half, we’ve been drinking a lot, but it hasn’t been happy drinking. It’s been filled with stress, fretting over the lack of jobs and internships, and mourning the downfall of our University’s once-robust budget. But, alas! Slope Day is near — the one day where we can drink, dance and sing along to shitty music without a care in the world. We may not have our papers done. We may not have jobs. We may not have language classes, but at least we have alcohol and Asher Roth. Without further ado, Berry Patch presents the top four people we’d like to drink with on Slope Day ...

Mary Beth Grant

Judicial Administrator

Stocks crashing! Endowments disappearing! Budgets trimming! The start of this semester has seen incredibly trying times as establishments across the country fall to shambles. In light of the times, the University plans to cut budgets across the board. Our crack team of Berrypatch reporters have also discovered that in order to pick up some of the fiscal slack, the University Board of Trustee’s voted to incur its own budget cuts for its upcoming Trustee Weekend. The following provisions are to take place ...

Pack ’em like Sardines

We were pretty consumed with all the talk about Milstein last week, but when someone mentioned that there were flags on the Arts Quad, we perked up — everybody loves a good news story. And the display kept changing shape! Throughout the week it seemed that everybody partook and created their very own alternative flag display. While you were all busy reading about the black flags on the Arts Quad, we caught the five following displays that sadly went unnoticed by most ...

1 FLAG

In lieu of the much needed director, office manager and assistant dean for the LGBTQ community and resource center, a group of disgruntled students hoisted one lonely rainbow flag — representing the measly one person needed! — on the top of the clock tower.

5 FLAGS

“If an online newspaper in Pasadena, Calif., can outsource coverage to India, I wonder how long can it be before some guy in Bangalore is writing my column about President Obama.”

— Maureen Dowd, “A Penny for My Thoughts?” The New York Times, Nov. 30.