Grudge Match
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It was late Thursday night, and the Eclipse editor had forgotten to arrange for a Grudge Match. A makeshift match was set up to debate the best summer Olympic sport, quickly attractingthe attention of half of the newsroom. Sun Sports Editor Corey Bennett attempted to debate the greatness of basketball, while Sun Assistant Design Editor Munier Salem and Sun Managing Editor Sarah Singer attempted to argue that gymnastics is, in fact, the best summer Olympic sport.
Bennett: People think so lowly of me because of Grudge Match. But the best summer Olympic sport is basketball.
Salem: People just generally think lowly of me. The best summer Olympic sport is gymnastics. Why am I in a sports column, anyway?
Singer: I used to really want to be a gymnast because of the standing horse. Or the vault. I mean the vault.
Salem: No, it’s all about the parallel bars, man. That shit is tight — literally!
B: Can we argue about real sports, like basketball? Yeah.
Salem: I mean, you’re talking to the news and design departments. That’s not possible.
Singer: I remember the very moment that Dominique Moceanu vaulted and hurt her ankle and still won the gold.
B: Well, actually, that was Kerri Strug in Atlanta in 1996. She hurt her ankle and still landed her next run, and then her creepy coach carried her off.
Singer: I also read a book in middle school about creepy gymnastics coaches on Olympic teams.
B: Good point...
Salem: Nobody watches track and field, so I think we should replace it with capture the flame.
Singer: What is capture the flame? It sounds dangerous.
Salem: Capture the flame is when Europe flips a shit about China’s human rights violations.
B: You promised to keep politics out of this. Boom!
Singer: This is not even close to being about sports. Let’s do Grudge Match about books. Or newspapers. Like what do you prefer, the Washington Post or Financial Times?
Salem: New York Times!
B: Can we put something in this Grudge Match about how the majority of people on campus recognize me only from Grudge Match, and not from the other 10 million things I do for the paper? Seriously.
[Salem and Singer go back to putting out the paper and listening to Renaissance music, respectively.]
Next semester, look out for the new Eclipse, devoid of Grudge Match.