Stocks crashing! Endowments disappearing! Budgets trimming! The start of this semester has seen incredibly trying times as establishments across the country fall to shambles. In light of the times, the University plans to cut budgets across the board. Our crack team of Berrypatch reporters have also discovered that in order to pick up some of the fiscal slack, the University Board of Trustee’s voted to incur its own budget cuts for its upcoming Trustee Weekend. The following provisions are to take place ...

Pack ’em like Sardines

The uber-luxurious Statler Hotel — where the Trustees are staying — plans to replace the California King beds in its VIP suites with affordable but stylish Ikea bunk beds to reduce costs by maintaining less rooms. Word on the street is that Trustee Andrew Tisch ’71 will grab the top bunk and Trustee Sandy Weill ’55 will take the bottom one.

Evening Entertainment

In lieu of high profile evening entertainment to perform at dinners throughout the weekend, President David Skorton will instead play the smooth sounds of his saxophone to woo trustees. Fuchs will be accompanying Skorton on the cowbell.

Dining in Less-than-Luxury

Trustees generally chomp on caviar and Dom at the elegant Banfi’s. Instead, the Trustees plan to make the trek across the Arts Quad to indulge on the delicious health hazard that is Oakenshields. Happy Dave has never been happier, and has already prepared an uncharacteristic soundtrack of 40s music.

Dress to Impress

To iterate the humble air of the evening, Skorton plans to rock his Bermuda shorts, Habiana sandals and Hawaiian shirt this weekend, after sending a memo to the entire board that all meetings will be held in casual Friday attire.

Be Sustainable

In an effort to conserve paper, the Board plans to report its minutes not on fancy Cornell letterhead, but instead on some thin toilet paper — one ply!