The Noyes fitness center is like a jungle. Every time I walk in there, my inner monologue automatically transforms into the voice of Bear Grylls, and I feel like I’m taping an episode of Man vs. Wild.
“Behold the wild bro in his natural habitat! He is an enormous, frightening creature with unnaturally high testosterone levels and arms as big as tree trunks. You must be very careful not to look at him the wrong way, or else you could be knocked out cold like my friend was that one time at Level B. I shall set up camp by that gray mat in the corner, and use those free white hand towels for warmth and shelter.”
The Noyes gym can be divided into two areas: The safe side on the left with all of the cardio machines, and the scary side on the right, with all of the weight machines and juiced up brohemoths. I used to only go over to the left side, not just because it was safe, but also because running on the treadmill provided me with a fantastic view of a girl’s backside as she bobbed up and down on the elliptical. (There’s no doubt that the layout of the Noyes fitness center was designed by dudes. Ladies, you may think that we run on the treadmills for our health, but we’re really just there to look at booties. Sometimes I’ll even bring a bucket of popcorn, a large soda and a box of Junior Mints with me so I can really enjoy the show.)
Eventually, one of my jacked friends convinced me that it was perfectly safe to go over to the right side of the gym, as long as you have a jacked friend to protect you. He trained me and taught me his ways, like how to actually use the machines, and what you’re supposed to do with those dumbbell things. Before I knew it, I was becoming a weight-lifting master. I was drinking post-workout brotein shakes and using phrases like “back and bi, chest and tri” on a regular basis. My muscles were getting bigger, my shirts were getting tighter, and I looked and felt great. “This isn’t so bad,” I thought to myself.
Then, one day, I had a shocking realization: “Oh my God… Am I turning into a bro???” I immediately ran into the nearest bathroom and looked in the mirror. The collar on my shirt was popped straight up, and I was wearing plaid shorts. “NOOOOOOOOO!!!” I yelled, channeling Darth Vader at the end of Episode III.
This couldn’t possibly be happening to me. All of my life I had despised bros, and now I was becoming one of them. It was a nightmarish reality.
I decided to head over to Gannett to get this whole thing checked out. Much to my relief, the Gannett nurses assured me that I was not turning into a bro after all. They did, however, tell me that I was pregnant. Hmm …
Anyway, I think I know the gym well enough by now that I can list every type of person that walks in there. So without further ado, I present to you: Corey’s List of People You’ll See at the Noyes Fitness Center. Enjoy.
This guy is the master of boxing, kickboxing and kick-your-ass boxing. He’s got zero-percent body fat, and he was the personal trainer for the entire cast of The Expendables. Don’t mess with him.
The Guy Who Looks Like Ronnie from Jersey Shore
For this dude, “GTL” is a way of life — except since this is Ithaca, he probably hasn’t been tanning too much. He’s also worn the same shirt to the gym for the past five days, so he probably hasn’t been doing much laundry either.
The Girl Who Studies While She’s on the Elliptical
Is it really necessary to bring your textbook with you to the gym? If you have that much work, maybe you should consider switching into AEM. I haven’t opened a textbook in years.
The Ambiguously Bro Duo
For these two guys, every workout routine is a Brodak Moment. You can find them together at the gym every day at 4 p.m. high-fiving each other. Most commonly used phrase: “Spot me, bro.”
The Guy on the Treadmill Next to You Who Purposely Runs Faster Than You
You wanna race? We’ll race, asshole.
The Girl Who Gets Too Dressed Up to Go to the Gym
She’s got the big earrings, the makeup, the dress and the high heels. She appears to be waiting for a guy to buy her a drink, but is completely unaware that Noyes doesn’t have a bar.
The Guy Who Asks You About the Exercise You’re Doing
“Hey bro, what are you working out?” Usually I’ll just respond with “deltoids,” even though I have no idea where my deltoids are actually located.
The Girl Who is More Jacked Than Most of the Guys at the Gym
I would use one of my world-famous pick-up lines on her, but I also don’t want to die.
The Guy Who Yells as He Lifts Weights
The Happy Couple
“Come on, Honey, five more crunches! You can do it!” … These people make me sick.
The Guy Who Only Does Chest Workouts
His chest is so disproportionately large that people have started to refer to him and his chest as two separate entities.
The Guy Who’s Taking More Than Just Brotein
Steroids, HGH, the stuff they give to racehorses … This dude has taken it all. His head is also the size of a melon.
The Guy Who Points At Girls’ Asses as They Walk By
He then looks at me to confirm that it was, indeed, a nice ass. I nod my head and carry on with my workout.
The Mysterious, Attractive Girl That Works at the Desk
I’m single … just throwing that out there.
Corey Brezak is a senior in the College Agriculture and Life Sciences. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Taking My Talents to C-Town appears alternate Mondays this semester.