So those VILLAINOUS Sun editors decided to skip over my regularly scheduled column because of Fall Break. Well, I’m happy to announce that I’m back, baby… back like Arnold in Terminator 1, 2 and 3. (Not so much Terminator 4, unless five minutes of CGI Arnold qualifies as being back.)

Wow, that was a pretty HEROIC Terminator reference, if I do say so myself.

(My editor Tony has just informed me that I’m not allowed to do the Heroes and Villains thing. Sorry, Tony … I didn’t know that the fun police were in town.)

Normally I would be angrier about my column being skipped over, but this weekend is my favorite time of the year: Halloween. Any holiday where you can dress up in ridiculous outfits and act like an idiot is all right with me. Also, there will be lots of hot girls in French maid costumes.

I’ve always loved Halloween since I was a little boy. And although the candy, haunted houses and hayrides have been replaced by Keystone, frat houses and other kinds of rides (Hey-O!), the spirit of the holiday has remained the same: Awesomeness. Craziness. Getting arrested. This is what Halloween is all about.

Since I’m such a Halloween expert, I’ve decided to be generous and give all y’all some helpful advice. 

Choosing a good costume is crucial, so let’s start with that.

At a big university like Cornell, it can be difficult to come up with a truly original Halloween costume. I’m sure there are plenty of freshmen who think that their Waldo costume is totally original and “da bomb, yo.” (That’s what the kids say these days, right?) Well, I hate to break it to all of you, but I guarantee there will be at least 1,000 Waldos walking around this weekend. I also bet that there’s a guy who thinks his Dark Knight Joker costume is original because it’s the Nurse Joker instead of the Regular Joker. Sorry, brochacho, but you’re going to have to do better than that. 

I suggest using the Cornell campus for some Halloween inspiration. For example, you could be the Naked Metallic Statue Guy from outside Uris Hall. Or you could be Okenshield’s very own Happy Dave. Even better, combine that with a zombie costume and voila — you’ve got Zombie Happy Dave. Or combine Ezra Cornell with a vampire and you’ve got Vampire Ezra. The possibilities are endless.

Group costumes are always a good way to go, especially for the ladies. For some reason, girls just look hotter when they wear group costumes. I call this the “Halloween Effect.” (It’s a variation of the “Cheerleader Effect” from How I Met Your Mother.) Powerpuff Girls, Crayola Crayons and the Spice Girls are all solid choices, but nothing turns me on more than four girls dressed as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (Is it weird to have a Ninja Turtle fetish? It is? Thought so.) 

It’s also good to know which types of Halloween costumes to avoid. So after thinking really hard for the past 10 minutes, I’ve come up with these five really bad costume ideas:

The Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz

I’ve watched The Wizard of Oz enough times, and I’m pretty sure the Tin Man didn’t have a zipper in those tin pants of his. Good luck going to the bathroom in that thing. 

‘God’s Gift to Women’

I actually saw a guy wearing this costume a couple years ago. I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to attracting females, but I do know that any guy wearing a giant gift-wrapped cardboard box with a sign that says “To: Women — From: God” has no chance of getting laid. 

A Porcupine

This would make for a very painful grinding experience on the dance floor. 

The Naked Cowboy

Sounds like a funny idea in theory, but you have to remember that since this is Ithaca, it will probably be like two degrees out with hail and 100 mph winds. Hypothermia can be a real buzzkill when you’re tryin’ to get yo’ drink on, and blue skin is not a good look unless you’re supposed to be a Smurf or one of the guys from Blue Man Group.

A Bro

I think we can all agree that there are enough bros on this campus already. There’s no need for anymore.

Once your costume is ready to go, it’s time to head out to the frat parties. The only problem with this is that there are 10,000 people looking for frat parties and only a handful of frats actually having open parties. This is a classic case of demand exceeding supply. (Thanks, AEM!)

If you can’t get into a frat party, you could try bribing the old, overweight Ithaca bouncer guys with delicious chicken parm subs from West Side Express. Or you could try sneaking around to the back entrance without getting punched by a bro.

If that doesn’t work, it’s time for Plan B: Make friends with people who are cooler than you and know where all of the house parties are. This worked out great for me during sophomore year, when I befriended a cow with Franzia in his udders and a tissue box guy with the words “Blow Me” displayed on his chest.

If Plan B is unsuccessful, then there’s always Plan C: Come party it up with me at my C-Town apartment. 

(My editor Tony has just informed me that I’m not allowed to use my column to advertise parties. Fine, Tony. Fine.)

So just so we’re clear, there will definitely NOT be an awesome Halloween party at my apartment on Friday. And you should definitely NOT friend me on Facebook to find out more information about this awesome party that is NOT happening. Okay, good. Glad we’re on the same page.

Corey Brezak is a senior in the College Agriculture and Life Sciences. He may be reached at cbrezak@cornellsun.com. Taking My Talents to C-Town appears alternate Mondays this semester.