So despite my best effort to get fired from this columnist gig, I’m still here. In fact, the Sun editors actually want me to return next semester. This is playing out just like the plot of Office Space. Soon they’ll be telling me that I’ve been promoted to Assistant Editor or something.
I told Tony that I would gladly come back, as long as he meets these three reasonable demands:
1. Change the name of the paper to the “Corey Daily Sun.”
2. Everything in the paper will be written by me.
3. I get my own butler.
Here’s how the negotiation talks went down:
Tony: Yeah, none of those things are going to happen … But I can introduce you to one of the sex columnists if you want.
I guess I need to work on my haggling skills. But whatever … The point is that I’m coming back, folks. We did it! (Cue the balloons, fireworks, Cornell marching band, students with tears of joy running down their faces, etc.)
All right, let’s move on. The random musings in my last column seemed to be a big hit, so I’ve decided to do it again. (Or I’ve run out of column ideas). That’s right … it’s time for another installment of “A Bulleted List About Nothing.”
(Will this be The Godfather Part II of sequels, or will it be more like Caddyshack II with Jackie Mason and Dan Aykroyd? … Probably the latter.)
• I’m pretty pissed off that I wasn’t tapped for Quill and Dagger. It’s always been my dream to join a secret society, ever since I watched the “Midnight Society” on Are You Afraid of the Dark? gather in the woods every week and tell scary stories. (By the way, thanks a lot Nickelodeon for giving me perpetual nightmares as a little kid and permanently scarring me for life). According to Quill and Dagger’s Wikipedia page, they only take the most “influential” undergraduates. What could be more influential than being a Sun columnist? I also have a lot to offer, like my Nintendo 64. I bet they don’t have any old-school videogame systems in their cool, exclusive tower room. Think about it, Quill and Dagger.
• There’s not a day that passes by without the sound of fire trucks driving past my apartment on Dryden Road. How many houses could possibly be burning down along Dryden? One of these days I’m actually going to walk up the street and see for myself … I’m expecting to find some kind of crazy apocalyptic hellscape with houses in ruins and zombies running around.
• It’s a good thing that Facebook wasn’t around during the 90s … Otherwise all of my favorite childhood shows would be totally ruined. Doug Funnie would spend the majority of his time Facebook-stalking Patti Mayonnaise’s photos, and Cory and Topanga would constantly be changing their relationship status from “In a Relationship” to “It’s Complicated” and back again. Man, that would be boring.
• How does Happy Dave stay so happy? I know that when your name is Happy Dave, you are legally required to have a smile on your face at all times, but what about when he has to go to the DMV or when he accidentally burns his hand on the kitchen stove? Is he still happy then? (This is what I think about when I daze out in class every day.)
• I’m not too up-to-date with all of the hippity-hop music that the kids listen to, but I did notice that this Jason Derulo guy likes to sing his name at the beginning of his songs. “What a fantastic idea!” I thought. Jason Derulo must really love himself, and I love myself as well. That’s why next semester I’m going to start off all my columns with “CoooOoorey BreeEEeezak.” This will definitely make my columns a lot cooler.
• Random Power Ranger Thought of the Day: What was the deal with those putty things? All you had to do was hit them in the chest where the giant letter “Z” was and they would automatically explode. I don’t think Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd got a very good return on their investment with those things … Am I right, people?
• When the AEM department announced that they had received $25 million from the Dyson Vacuum Cleaner Guy over the summer (at least, I think it was the Vacuum Cleaner Guy), I got pretty excited. “With all of this money, they’re definitely going to put air conditioning in Warren Hall now,” I thought. Well, I was wrong. Classrooms in Warren are still 100 degrees, so not only am I bored out of my mind during my AEM classes, but I also leave the building drenched in sweat every day. Since Warren is basically like a sauna, I think I’m going to start showing up to class wearing nothing but a towel. Then I can head over to Mann for my one-hour massage and facial. It’ll be great.
• The Yawnmageddon video has reaffirmed the fact that we are the viral video generation. We’re like machines. We find a hilarious video, autotune it, put the autotuned version on our iPods and then buy T-shirts that display stuff from the video. (I’ve already ordered my “Yawn Outside” T-shirt … Only $16.99 plus shipping and handling!)
• I’d like to use this last bullet point to thank all of the people who have sent me fan mail. You have inflated my ego to gargantuan proportions. Well done, and I’ll see y’all next semester.
Corey Brezak is a senior in the College Agriculture and Life Sciences. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Taking My Talents to C-Town appears alternate Mondays this semester.