People keep inviting me to join these stupid Facebook groups: “So-and-so for Slope Day 2011!!!!” First of all, stop sending me these things. They’re annoying. Secondly, this started to get me thinking, “How is the Slope Day Programming Board going to screw it up this year?”
Sometime soon, the Slope Day performers for 2011 will be announced, and brace yourselves, folks — they’re probably going to be bad. How do I know this? Here are three reasons:
1. Most popular music today is bad.
If you want an example, just look at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. Although I did enjoy the futuristic costumes, the background dancers with boxes on their heads, and the faceless, synchronized audience people who came together to form hearts and other cool shapes. That stuff was almost enough to distract me from how bad the Black Eyed Peas were.
2. The Slope Day Programming Board’s recent track record is bad.
Drake, the Pussycat Dolls and Asher Roth … man, oh man. I mean, Asher Roth rapped about childhood obesity. That performance was so bad that it set the entire music industry back like 50 years.
3. This is my last Slope Day ever, so it’s only fitting that this year will be even badder than before.
You may think that’s a negative way to look at things, but trust me — I’m a Jets and Knicks fan, so I know inevitable heartbreak when I see it.
Now, I bet that you’re probably saying to yourself, “Who cares who we get for Slope Day? I’m going to be so hammered that it won’t matter.” This is a solid point, perceptive reader. If you are one of those people that will be passed out on the slope in a drunken coma, or won’t even make it to the slope because you will be too busy getting your stomach pumped, then yes, it won’t matter. But for the majority of people who will be intoxicated yet still semi-conscious, our Slope Day musical acts will matter. And if the performances are bad, then the thousands of Cornellians on the slope will likely transform into some type of angry, drunk mob. (See: People throwing water bottles at Asher Roth, Slope Day 2009.)
So anyway, here’s my take on the situation: If our Slope Day performers are destined to be a joke, let’s at least make it a funny joke that people will enjoy. That’s why I’ve done some extensive Internet research and assembled the following list of joke Slope Day performers for the Slope Day Programming Board to consider:
Most people know him as the lifeguard guy from Baywatch, but did you know that “The Hoff” had a music career as well? (Apparently he was really big in Germany.) One of his hit music videos, “Hooked on a Feeling,” involves him doing some bizarre things in front of a green screen, like snowboarding while wearing an Eskimo suit, dancing around in the jungle and flying in the air with a flock of birds. Seriously, nothing in this video makes any sense. When I first saw it, I thought it had to be some kind of parody, but it’s a completely real music video. Make sure you YouTube this puppy as soon as possible … You’ll never look at the world the same way again.
Also, since this would be a Hasselhoff-themed Slope Day, sorority girls could arrive at the slope wearing those red Baywatch-style bathing suits, and bros could show up shirtless so they can show off their 12-packs. (And I could wear my “Don’t Hassel the Hoff” T-shirt, making this a win-win situation for all involved.)
Shaq is truly a Jack-of-all-trades. Besides being a future Hall of Fame basketball player, Shaq was also a genie in Kazaam, a conductor for the Boston Pops Orchestra and an accomplished rap artist. With such classic hits as “(I Know I Got) Skillz” and “I’m Outstanding,” along with newer hits like “Kobe, Tell Me How My Ass Tastes,” Shaq would be a very entertaining musical performer.
YouTube Celebrities: Antoine Dodson, Double Rainbow Guy, Tay Zonday
Thanks to the miracle of autotune, we have such masterpieces as “The Bed Intruder Song (Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife)” and “The Double Rainbow Song (What Does It Mean?).” Additionally, Tay Zonday’s distinctive voice is a miracle in itself; his hit song, “Chocolate Rain,” has basically defined our generation.
90s Has-Beens: Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer
Here’s the good thing about booking these guys: We could get them for cheap, because you know they desperately need the money. I think Vanilla Ice is currently on his ninth reality show, and MC Hammer might still be bankrupt.
Also, here’s a great idea for a Greek Slope Day T-shirt: “Stop, Gamma Time!” Man, I’m good. Hey Greek people, you don’t even have to credit me for that one.
The Dunbar’s Jukebox
I know it’s an inanimate object and all, but the Dunbar’s jukebox has plenty of classic hits that everyone can enjoy. All you would need is an endless supply of quarters, and maybe some hot background dancers to make things more exciting. This would definitely be an awesome choice.
What ever happened to this guy?
For those that don’t know, I am a highly-skilled Guitar Hero and Rock Band player. I am also planning on taking my musical talents to Karaoke Night at Rulloff’s in the near future, so stay tuned for that.
• I know that some anonymous commenter person is going to say something like, “Why don’t you just join the Slope Day Programming Board so you can directly impact who we get for Slope Day?” I’m going to preemptively respond to this by saying that I have more important things to do, like updating my Twitter account and writing this column complaining about Slope Day.
• If you don’t see my column in the paper two weeks from now, it’s because the Slope Day Programming Board came to my apartment and beat me up.
Corey Brezak is a senior in the College Agriculture and Life Sciences. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Taking My Talents to C-Town appears alternate Mondays this semester.