About a month ago, many Cornellians on Facebook began to share a blog post titled “Betches Love This College: Cornell University.” Naturally, my interest in posts related to campus culture such as this one compelled me to read the interesting piece, which basically describes our university from the eyes of a “betch.” Many of you may not know the term “betch,” but do not worry, because as the blog explains “you definitely know the girl.” 

Why should you know the girl? Well, because Cornell is the mecca of betches. We have a massive variety of betches: from tall to small; from the United States to any other part of the world; and from old to young. This of course, is just to name a few categories, because the truth is that Cornell’s betches are more diverse than our entire student body taken as a whole. Ezra Cornell would certainly be proud to know that, in the institution he founded, a betch could be found getting instruction in any study.

Cornell may have zero presidents of the United States, but heck, we even have the founding betches, or as they call themselves, the “Head Betches.” These Head Betches are like some type of prophets and, through their blog, they spread their word to betches around the world. In this manner, they lead “the uninformed masses to enlightenment and self-actualization” in relation to the betch movement. What a noble cause to undertake! To be the president of the United States, you just need to have a rich father that went to Yale. However, to lead a group of betches, you need two things. First, “your awesomeness and grandeur [has to be] bestowed upon you by all the powerful forces in the universe.” Second, and most importantly, you need a lot of spare time.

I suppose the Head Betches’ minds are so complex and mysterious that their thoughts cannot be conveyed in a human language without being corrupted. I believe this is the case because their definition of what is a betch is not actually a definition, but rather a 320-word text that describes characteristics that a betch must have. My favorite is the first one: A betch “has everything figured out.” You may ask yourself, what is everything? Well, according to the Head Betches’ sacred scriptures, everything ranges from “never waiting in line at a club or a bar” to wearing “the best clothes and … pulling off risqué, cool outfits without looking like a whore, or Lady Gaga.” You know, really important stuff that only a worthy group of people can accomplish.

I appreciated the Head Betches’ post about Cornell because it offers a detailed account of our University’s culture, as interpreted by a betch. The poor Head Betches probably never wrote more than 500 words for an essay during their college careers. However, they were able to write an extensive 2,300 word text that talks about making out with hot lacrosse dads on the lacrosse weekend and Skorton ruining their high with condolence emails. But you know what people say, it is easier to write something when you actually enjoy the topic. Based on the piece, it is not hard to guess where the Head Betches’ priorities lie.

To the betches out there reading this, you may think that I am a hater for writing this, but I am not. I swear. I am actually a lover. I love all of you because you are fun and a great source of entertainment. As mentioned in the blog, a betch’s life is “like an episode of The Hills, always involving some sort of drama.” Although GDI’s will probably cure cancer in the future, and (hopefully) solve the nation’s economic challenges, the truth is that they are boring. You girls, on the other hand, are fun and interesting. Why watch Gossip Girl on Netflix when I can see you guys live? I remember like yesterday a crude cold Friday night that I went to eat at CTP, a.k.a. the Meat Market. As I was sitting at the table, I heard something that sounded like liquid dripping onto the floor. When I looked, a betch was so drunk that she literally started peeing on the floor without realizing it. It made my semester.

I like to think of you betches as Cornell’s very own Paris Hiltons and Kim Kardashians. This is certainly a job that not a lot of people can do, but you girls pull it off, somehow. And that is something that I find very respectable. For that, I thank you. But, please, do not say that “betchiness is about gaining success in a man’s world, while still being hot and fun and envied;” it is not. If you really want to do that, then stop being betch.

Abdiel Ortiz-Carrasquillo is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He may be reached at aortiz@cornellsun.com. I Respectfully Dissent appears alternate Fridays this semester.