This week, the VILLAINOUS random campus pooper was at it again. Last year, he terrorized chairs in McGraw Hall. Now, he is terrorizing Barton Hall bleachers. Where will he strike next? Next time you want to pop a squat anywhere on campus, make sure you look before you sit. 

In related news, the HEROIC Red took a giant poop on VILLAINOUS Yale during the Homecoming game, defeating them 45-6. The Big Red’s stands were HEROICALLY filled and actually excited about watching football for all of five minutes before the rain started pouring down on everyone. Thankfully, no one pooped in the bleachers. 

After the game, many alumni flooded to Collegetown for bars and revelry. The bars were filled with old alumni reliving their HEROIC days as Cornell undergraduates. All the old alumni showed up at the early hour of 10 p.m. while current students were VILLAINOUSLY “drinking vodka sodas or a peach-flavored Champagne called André and refusing to head out until they have captured the perfect photo,” according to the HEROIC New York Times. Even though they managed to quote six fake Cornell seniors, they are still HEROES in our book (please hire us! We are good at quoting fake people, we swear!).

While all this debauchery was happening all around us, the Cornell police decided to go after the biggest threat on campus: the VILLAINOUS jaywalkers. Each year, these VILLAINS cause incalculable amounts of harm on campus by making us HEROIC drivers wait an extra thirty seconds at the light on Ho Plaza. It’s a good thing that these HEROIC officers were able to put a stop to this lawlessness. 

All of this madness is becoming VILLAINOUSLY tiring. Thankfully, Cornell is considering changes to Greek system policies that may require all chapters to have live-in advisors a.k.a house dads. We hope that this new policy will help control the outbreak of jaywalkers. It is high time that we had a HEROIC father figure to hold our hands while we cross the street. Now, we just need our VILLAINOUS professors to finally let us take naps in class.