This week, Cornell Police ticketed 94 people for jaywalking and other traffic violations as part of a campaign to promote traffic safety. We sent out our Berry Batch reporters to find out which other minor crimes the Cornell Police Department should go after next.

Leaving stuff at a table in the library for seven hours during finals week: We want to see the Cornell police posted up in the library with wristwatches, ensuring that the policy of only leaving your stuff at a table unattended for 15 minutes is actually upheld. This is a serious threat to campus safety that cannot be overlooked. Violators of this policy should have their belongings seized by the Cornell police and, to be made an example of, burned on the Arts Quad.

Overly aggressive quarter-carding: Standing out on Ho Plaza with quartercards is already pretty annoying, although not a criminal offense. However, those attempting to follow innocent pedestrians and strike up a conversation about your event should be prosecuted under the public nuisance statutes. We are looking at you, Whistling Shrimp. Our ferns are doing just fine, thank you very much. 

Eating meals during class: On far too many occasions, Cornellians bring three-course meals to class. Any food eaten in class should be able to be consumed without a fork or knife. These are dangerous weapons that we cannot allow inside our classrooms. 

Calling Nasties “Bear Necessities”: We personally don’t think that any Cornell student would commit this egregious crime after Orientation Week. Any student who uses this term should be arrested for trespassing, since they are clearly not a student at Cornell. 

Answering phones in the library: We all know you’re popular. Gotta answer that phone call from your mom making sure that you are actually in the library and actually studying for prelims. However, it would be just as easy to text. Or email. Or walk outside. Cornell police should be standing by, ready to put violators’ calls on speakerphone for everyone in the library to hear their mothers ask how their lil’ pumpkin is holding up.